


Escape Route

by anotherdeadpoet



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Suicide Attempt, but it will end alright, i mean hardcore angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29161944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherdeadpoet/pseuds/anotherdeadpoet
Summary: "He picked up the gun. Adjusted his grip. Pressed the barrel to his temple. Took one last glance out the window. Inhaled a final goodbye to the oxygen that had seen him this far.Exhaled.Pulled the trigger.Stopped halfway."
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. Forsaken Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Suicide attempt

_I’m trapped._

The thought ricocheted through Neil’s mind, as it had countless times throughout his life. When he was twelve, sitting in his very first Welton dorm room, mind numb from how overwhelmed he already was. When he was fourteen, praying to whatever god may be out there that maybe, just maybe, he’d be able to do what _he_ wanted with his own future. Every day, as he smiled and laughed, being Perfect Neil Perry.

And now, at sixteen, as he sat at his father’s desk, fingers wrapped around the revolver. The metal was cold. Not in a harsh way, like icy rain seeping through your socks. In a comforting way. Chilled water after spending hours in ninety degree heat. An escape route.

He picked up the gun. Adjusted his grip. Pressed the barrel to his temple. Took one last glance out the window. Inhaled a final goodbye to the oxygen that had seen him this far.

Exhaled.

Pulled the trigger. 

Stopped halfway.

The revolver hit the ground with a bang, almost as loud as an actual gunshot. Neil put his head on the desk, drowning in the mess of thoughts swarming his brain. He heard his parents stirring in their bedroom and nearly vomited.

_Way to go. You didn’t kill yourself. Now deal with the consequences of coming this close._

_Or end it before they get down the hall._

He was too frozen to end it. The alarmed thuds of his parents’ feet made their way towards the office. Warm tears dripped onto the arms cradling Neil’s head. His own arms, although they hardly felt like his.

Mr. and Mrs. Perry yelled over each other, the former furious, the latter terrified. Someone asked Neil what was going on. Why he was in the office. Why he was crying. Why the gun was on the floor.

They knew. Of course they knew. And, of course, they would pretend not to. They would tell Neil to go to sleep. It was late. He’d had a long night. He needed rest. They’d discuss all this later. He needed rest. He needed to go to sleep.

Funny. That was precisely what he had intended to do.

Alas, Awake Neil Perry returned to his bedroom, feet stumbling, mind floating. He rummaged in the closet for a shirt, ignoring the one on his bed. He pulled on boots and a coat, before climbing out of the open window.


	2. It'll Never Happen Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Lots of talk about death/suicide/suicide attempt

By the time Neil reached the dorm building, his hands were all but completely numb. He struggled with the knob on the back door for a moment, but, sure enough, it opened. Welton Academy was many things, though secure was not one of them. Maybe he was biased, but Neil didn’t find this surprising.

Neil didn’t exactly bother to go quietly up the stairs. He wasn’t caught, so just as well. The crack of light under the door of his room caused him to take a step back. Assuming Todd was awake, he’d be expected to explain why he was there. Why it appeared that he had walked there. These weren’t questions Neil was capable of answering. He didn’t have the answers, himself. Not that it mattered anymore.

Todd was sitting at his desk, book open, but seemingly not reading it. His head perked up when Neil entered.

“Neil?”

Not knowing what to say or do, he stood, shivering. At the very least, he hoped to blame his red, puffy eyes on the cold. 

“Christ, Neil, did you walk here?” Todd asked, standing up.

No real need to lie, Neil decided. “You know my dad,” he said. “I figured it was better for everyone if I got out of that house.” 

Leaning against his chair, Todd pressed on. “Don’t you live, what, three miles from here?”

“That’s not all that far.”

“I-” he chewed on his lip. “Maybe when it’s not twelve degrees outside. And not the middle of the night.”

Neil swallowed and felt a sharp pain in his head. “Forget about it. Why are you up this late?”

“I was worried. I don’t think you can blame me.”

“Can we both just go to bed? You can interrogate me in the morning.”

Todd’s mouth opened, and then promptly shut. He stared at the top of Neil’s head and nodded.

An hour later, Neil decided it was safe to assume that Todd had fallen asleep. He found his way to the door, tripping over a pair of shoes. In the bathroom, the dull, fluorescent light flickered. He leaned against the counter. The mirror seemed to have been cleaned rather recently, allowing him a clear view of his dim reflection. The way his eyes stared back sent a chill through his body. They were detached. Empty. Dead.

It was there, in the bathroom, being stared at by his own eyes, that Neil Perry realized he was going to die.

He didn’t want to. He had for a moment, back at the house, but that had been fleeting. No, Neil didn’t want to die. It was simply a fact that he needed to accept. He was going to die, and his friends would be devastated, and his parents and the school would act as though he had never been anything more than a good student. As much as this knowledge pained him, he knew it was the truth. He was going to die.

_ No, no, no. We’re not gonna die. Er, we are, but not now. And not...like that. We’re gonna talk to Todd because he’s our friend and this is a situation in which you talk to your friend before you do something irrational. _

Neil turned back to the mirror and gave himself a quick smile, because he felt uneasy walking away from it, with the last thing it had seen being his detached-looking eyes. He felt alright. Admittedly, he didn’t feel a whole lot of anything, but that seemed preferred to the current alternative.

Once he was back in bed, things seemed okay. He just needed to stay there until morning. Then, at the very least, there would be sunlight, and classes to distract him, and Todd would be awake. He nearly fell asleep, but only before a thought dawned on him.

_ I almost shot myself. In the head. I literally almost shot my fucking head off. _

Maybe he wouldn’t tell Todd that part. He didn’t really need to, right? He would never do that again. It was a weird, one time thing, when he was upset with his dad. He was fine, he was okay, he wasn’t going to do that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is going to be in Todd's pov, and in the morning, so you can probably expect something a tiny bit lighter. 
> 
> Tumblr: theotherdeadpoet


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